Hacking the Yes-No Balance
With overwhelm being the new normal, so much of what’s important slips into that dark space where there isn’t enough time in the day. There’s regret. There are missed deadlines. We say “yes” when we should say “no.” We say “no” when we want to say “yes.” What if we could hack the yes-no balance?
Hack: The space of choice
The trick to finding a healthy yes-no balance lies in responding rather than reacting. By this I mean finding that little bit of empty space right after someone asks for something and before you say “yes” or “no.” Try this ABC method.
Aware. Bring your awareness fully to what is going on.
Breathe. Deeply. In the belly.
Choose. Yes or no?
Repeat after me: “No. No. No. No. No.” How did that feel?
For Steve Jobs, “focusing is about saying no.” And yet, we are all overcommitted. How often do you say “yes” when you mean “no”? How often do you end up doing something you wanted to say “no” to without actually having said “yes”?
We are odd creatures. Belonging drives us, which makes "yes" the default in human interactions. Add on layers of social conditioning, and "no" becomes hard to say. So we say yes and get in way over our heads.
The feel-good yes
It feels good to say “yes” to people—literally.
According to Dr. Robert Bilder, professor of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences at UCLA, “By acknowledging that you are going along with a plan initiated by someone else, you are strengthening or creating a bond with them.”
It’s like joining a group or falling in love. Oxytocin levels surge, which affects generosity, trust and any number of other social bonding necessities. “Yes” makes you feel fantastic. You want to say it over and over again.
We thrive on reciprocity. And we often choose what is most satisfying in the present rather than what will be best for our future. So we oblige.
Yet, we also are notoriously over-optimistic regarding the time it takes to complete tasks. Psychologists call this cognitive bias "the planning fallacy." So not only is your whole humanness telling you to say “yes,” but you also actually think you can fit something else in for the day.
Is there any hope?
Yes to no
There is another cognitive bias that could help us out. Since "no" feels more confrontational, we avoid it. However, based on the "harshness bias," we often believe people judge us more negatively than they actually do.
Research has found that our perceptions of our own assertiveness are often unreliable. So if you feel confrontational, there’s a good chance the other person doesn’t see you that way.
If you feel overcommitted, “no” is a small word that can remind you how much control you have over your destiny.
The no hack
The key to saying “no” is practice. Start with distractions and unnecessary commitments. Just try one to begin with.
We can train our brain to habitually say “no” rather than “yes” to requests by rehearsing a go-to response when people ask us for favors. Research shows that when we make a specific plan before we are confronted with a request, we are far more likely later to act in a way that’s consistent with our original intentions.
How to say no
Start with thank you. Showing gratitude softens the blow and helps the other person feel seen and heard.
Reframe “no” as a “yes” to something else.
Do not justify your actions. “No” is a legitimate answer.
Offer alternatives.